A Downward Spiral; A Pirouette

anonymouslydead:

I have just stalked the living shit out of you and you aren’t even my boyfriend. Whoops.

I don’t have the strength.

I no longer have to use code names anymore. I blocked everyone who’s ever met me, except Correna. Who doesn’t read these and is in the hospital anyways. Staci talked to her step mom, and there must be something seriously wrong, because she has to stay for “a while.”…. Suicide watch is usually three days. It’s already been 4 1/2 and she apparently has a lot longer…. That’s my best friend…. I’m scared.. I have no idea what’s going on… I’m glad everyone’s off this blog now. I can finally talk completely free because I won’t have a friend constantly asking questions and and ex boyfriend reporting to his girlfriend everything I say. I posted something about Anisa that pissed her off finally. She went on a huge rant. Ha. Well Tumblr, want to hear a deep little secret of mine that I won’t admit to anyone, even Lindsay? I don’t even hate her. You know, I clearly hate what she did. No matter what I think it was wrong and a good friend wouldn’t do that, but I don’t hate her. I hate HIM for it more than her. And you can see how much I hate him, by the fact that I talk to him and everything. But here’s the thing. I love him. I love her too, but that’s in a completely different way. I love-love him, and no matter what you do, you can’t hate someone you really love. Believe me, I’ve tried my hardest. And when you constantly have to hear about it, oh my does it build up. It’s like, when wanting to die is a constant thought to you since you were an infant, then I get to a really low point, and this happens, you just freeze. Everything does. I stopped feeling back in January. You know, it’s so easy. When you look at the situation to just think “well, if she wasn’t here, this wouldn’tve happened. If she hadn’t come along, we’d be together and I wouldn’t be like this. And I do. I I’ve given her so much shit for it. Because I take everyrhing else I fuck up in my lie our on myself. On my wrists, arms, thighs, stomach, hips, ankles. On the depth I can push my razor and how big the puddle of blood under me is that night. On how long I can tolerate starvation and whonsen I e food how much I can get out. That’s everything else in me. But then something this big and powerful to my life, is what I try and push out. I know I’m to blame and I deny it and lash out on her. Of course that’s wrong. She’s the easier choice I guess, since I have people coming up to me saying they’d punch her in the face if she was me and what not. But you know what, sure she was my best friend, but she was no more wrong than him. Hell I don’t even have to do half this shit, Correna puts her down so much for it since she went through the same thing. That’s why when I stopped being mad, I added them again and would sit with her at lunch. But when I would hear and see things, like I said, It built up, and I was like “Uh… No. I actually hate her guys.” And everyone just agreed…. And so it started. But I don’t want to spend what time I have left thinking about, being in pain from, them. It’s hard. When Lindsay was talking about Anisa, and then left, I told Correna I felt bad because I know what she’s going through…. But she said I shouldn’t because she brought it on herself. And when I get a text from Caden it makes me a little happier, but in a different way, a lot sadder. So, now I finally fot them to hate me and won’t be sending me on rollercoaster emotions/creepin’ on mah stuff. Maybe I can distract myself from it until, you know, the last day of school… I have to get my priorities straight. Not school. People and loved ones. I’m so behind in work anyways. I went to Daina’s today with Emmy Brooke and Micah, but told my parents I was at Cody’s. They found out. Woops. I can’t keep the laptop upstairs anymore (That’s why I did this on my phone, I don’t want to do it in the dining room), and I’m not aloud to go anywhere this week, only have people over. Oh well. I’m thinking of changing it from the last day of school to this Friday. Why not? I feel just… Exhausted lately. Like moving and leaving and eating and blinking, everything, is just pointless. Like I can just sleep forever. I’ve been laying in bed since I got home. I saw a post on Correna’s tumblr; Apparently my cuts. Have gotten so deep she’s worried. CORRENA. The “Your cuts are pussy cuts comparedd to my scars even”. Girl. Have they really gotten THAT bad….? I know they’re deeper than usual, but it doesn’t matter if they’re scar-material now. Hmm. You know it’s really quite depressing not having aperson there anymore? Usually everyone has that one person who they tell when they’re depressed or giving up but nope. Nuh uh. No one now. I miss my grandma Rita….. A lot lately…… My hands hurt. Goodnight Tumblr-diary.